1. Make sure that you stay calm and regulated You need to have a firm grip of your own emotions to make sure you don’t get into a screaming cycle. Take a step away if you need to, acknowledge what you’re feeling, and take a deep breath. You need to stay calm to help your child calm down. 

2. Make an emotional connection with your child. Show that you’re trying to engage on your child’s level. Get low so you can make eye contact, and speak slowly and quietly. You might not be able to give them a hug as they might be having a very physical reaction to their emotional distress. Give them space, but set boundaries and redirect physical aggression. Say something like: ‘I can see that you’re so angry you want to hit something, but I am not for hitting. If you need to, you can kick that cushion over there.’ 

3. Empathise with the child and help them to feel loved and understood If you know what’s triggered the tantrum, slowly talk through what you’ve understood has happened and explain that you see why they’re angry. Give them the words that they don’t have in that moment to express how they’re feeling. 

4. Once they’ve calmed down, talk through what happened. After all that emotion, they may not actually remember what’s happened. Tell the story starting with what you saw, then leave space for your child to contribute their experience or to correct your guesses about what they’re feeling. 

5. Talk about behavior and consequences. Only do this once the tantrum is over and your child is calm. 

 1. The Mad Game 

The Mad Game, developed by Patricia Davidson and described by Hall, Kaduson, and Schaefer (2002), can be used to show children that it’s okay to feel anger and to encourage them to express it in a healthy way. 

Take a set of blocks ( cardboard, wooden, or plastic) and divide them evenly between themselves and the child. Next, explain the rules: each person will place a block on top of the other person’s block during their turn. They will alternate turns, and at each turn, they will share something that is unfair or something that makes them angry. 

Begin with silly or lighthearted things, like “It makes me mad when I want to play outside but it’s raining” or “It’s not fair that I can’t eat sweets for every meal!” Eventually, progress on to things that are more specific to the child’s issues. 

Once all the blocks are stacked, instruct the child to think of one thing that makes them the angriest, make a face that reflects how they feel (a “mad face”), and knockdown all the blocks. 

This technique allows the child to discuss their anger, an exercise that may be unfamiliar if the child is not used to feeling like it is acceptable to express such emotions. It will also give the child an opportunity to act out that anger in a safe and healthy way. FRANCES KELLY PLAY THERAPIST MA craughwellplaytherapy.com 

2. Positive Postings 

This talk therapy technique from Jacqueline Melissa Swank will help improve the child’s sense of self-esteem and encourage positive self-talk. 

This activity requires construction paper, crayons or markers, and sticky notes (or pre-cut body shapes available in Mr Price/ Dealz) . If using the construction paper, draw an outline of their body on the construction paper. Next, instruct your child to use the crayons or markers and sticky notes to write down several of their positive qualities or traits (like “I am kind to my classmates” or “I’m good at playing tag”). 

Once the child has several positive quality post-its ready, get them to stick the notes on their outline. This will help the child solidify the connection between themselves and these positive traits. 

When they are finished, take the positive self-talk one step further by asking them to think about a time when they felt very angry, frustrated, or disappointed with themselves, and encouraging them to think about how their “positive postings” could help them when they feel that way. 

3. Anger resource sheet 

This worksheet is an excellent resource for parents with a child struggling to control his or her anger. Children can complete this worksheet with a parent or other adult, or by themselves, if they are old enough. 

It begins with a little lesson on how anger can start out very small, like feeling “annoyed” or just a little angry. It then prompts children to draw what they look like when their anger is small. 

Next, it describes how anger can grow almost uncontrollably until it seems like it’s way too big to deal with. It may feel hard to control, like a car without breaks. It notes that someone who is very angry may yell, hit, cry, or break things. Children are then prompted to draw what they look like when they are very angry. 

On the next page is a big, red stop sign. The text prompts the child to look for anger stop signs or clues that begin to appear when their anger is small but can let them know that it is growing. When they notice these signs, they can stomp on the brakes and get their anger under control. FRANCES KELLY PLAY THERAPIST MA craughwellplaytherapy.com 

The prompt above the stop sign reads: “Everyone has their own anger stop signs. It’s important to learn what yours are, so you can spot them in the future. Write your anger stop signs in the space below.” 

It also includes some common anger stop signs the child may recognize as one of their own, like: 

• • My face feels hot. 
• • I start to shake. 
• • I raise my voice. 
• • I go quiet. 
• • My eyes get watery. 
• • I try to bother people. 
• • I can’t think straight. 
• • I feel annoyed. 
• • I want to hit something. 

Download this resource here: 

Positive reinforcement is a discipline strategy that helps children learn socially appropriate behaviour. Children of all ages seek approval from their caregivers and your child is more likely to repeat good behaviour when you reinforce it with praise or positive attention. Providing positive attention also decreases the likelihood that your child will misbehave to get attention. Whether your child  is being gentle while petting the dog or working hard to build a tower with blocks, reinforce these positive behaviours.

At the beginning of this way of connecting with your child this way of interacting may seem exaggerated and strange or artificial to you but you will soon see the powerful way that it will encourage positive behaviour and a happier child.

How to begin to use  Positive Reinforcement

• Catch your child being good. If they sit quietly playing while you cook dinner or if you are out in a public area  –  don’t just say a silent ‘thank you’ in your head for the peace and quiet. Tell them how proud you are of them for their cooperation and give them some extra cuddles.
• Give your child the opportunity to do something that warrants praise. For instance, after lunch, ask her to help you clear the dishes by bringing their  bowl (or cup or spoon…) over to the kitchen counter. Then give them a big smile and a kiss for doing such a great job.
• Praise their good behaviour immediately as soon as you see it. Get down on your child’s level, look him in the eye and say e.g. “that was great the way you put your truck in the toy box when you were finished with it.” Avoid generic praises, such as “Good boy.” Instead, label exactly which behaviour you are praising.

• Focus on catching your child being a ‘Great Brother’ and lavishly praise him whenever he treats his sibling nicely.  Hopefully, eventually they will enjoy being a ‘Great Big Brother/Sister’.

• Smile while you’re praising your child and use a positive tone of voice to reinforce your message. Praise your young child many times throughout the day to show them which behaviours you appreciate.

• Try to find an opportunity to tell another adult (Dad, Mam, Granny, Grandad, childminder, teacher etc.) how proud you are of your child’s behaviour while your child is listening.

• Young children thrive when you reinforce their good behaviour with positive body language. A hug, cuddle or high-five gives positive reinforcement for a job well-done.

Examples of behaviour specific praise

When you give your child verbal praise, make sure they know exactly what they are receiving the praise for. Get in the habit of telling your child exactly what they did well, and then enjoy seeing more of that behaviour in the future. Use positive language:

• I like how you got into the car the first time I asked.
• Thank you for putting your dish in the sink.
• I am so happy you put on your coat.
• It is lovely to have you sit and eat your food here at the table with Mammy and Daddy.
• Instead of saying ‘Good boy/girl’ be specific and say ‘That was great the way you  shared your  toys’ or ‘I like the way you helped the baby’ or ‘Thank you for listening well’. Adding that one little phrase can make a HUGE difference!

Ways to make your praise most effective

• Try to connect with your child at least once every day by being 100% present with them alone for a couple of minutes: Get down to their eye level and let them decide what to do and ignore all distractions for those few minutes. They will love being the center of your attention. Maybe most importantly, they will see how much you enjoy them, which is the foundation of their feeling of self-worth.
• Deliver praise when you are near your child: When you are close to your child, you can be sure that the behaviour you are praising is taking place. Also, when you are nearby your child is more likely to pay attention to what you are saying. Be close. Go up to your child when you talk and make eye contact.
• Use a sincere, enthusiastic tone of voice; You don’t need to be loud, but make sure that you sound thrilled about what your child is doing.
• Avoid situations, when possible, that lead to negative behaviour.  If a child hits because they are bored and it is fun to see a younger sibling cry, make sure that they are kept busy doing things that are more fun than this. Supervise the children well around each other, to catch problems before they escalate
• Use nonverbal reinforcement: Show your child you are pleased by smiling, winking, or touching. Hug your child, high five him, or pat them on the back.
• Remember to be specific. When praising your child, say exactly what behaviour you approve of: ’Thank you so much for picking up your shoes and putting them in the press’. Use positive language.

Ideas for fun activities that you can do together that create a positive behaviour environment

Read a story to/with your child

Children love this type of positive one-on-one attention. Not only will you be increasing your bond by spending time together, you’ll be increasing the child’s vocabulary and other literacy skills.

Have a staring contest

Keep  direct eye contact, the first one to look away or blink loses. A fun game for older children and a great way to have eye contact. Be sure the child does not interpret this activity as threatening or intimidating and understands that it is a game.

Being rocked and held like a baby

This is something that older children still enjoy even when they are well past the baby stage. They enjoy the feeling of closeness and security that it gives them and feeling secure with Mam or Dad. It also allows them to receive some of the attention that they see a new baby getting and to feel wanted and noticed too.

Play with something messy together with your child e.g. playdough or slime. Children love it when adults get down and do something messy with them. Everyone can relax and have fun.

Sing Songs and rhymes together

Try rhymes like This Little Piggy Went to Market where each line leads to tickling a toe and action favourites like Old Macdonald, London Bridge etc.

Sometimes parents may convince themselves that their child will be fine and that the separation doesn’t affect them and that life continues as normal – however this isn’t true. It may or may not be obvious that your child is hurting emotionally but children become confused, fearful and stressed in the event of their parents separating. Their developmental levels  and resilience may differ but research has shown that generally children find it very difficult to understand and process this event. Your child will need time and help to sort out the many emotions and thoughts attached to their perception of the separation.

It is a fact of life that marriage relationships fail and partnerships dissolve. No-one sets out with this intention but this is the reality of the situation that you and your family are now in. You are  not the first or the last of couples to face this very difficult experience and now is the time to put your children first. Despite how you both may feel about each other it is now that you will accept your adult responsibilities and prioritise your children. Even if your ex-spouse  is not interested in being a responsible parent you can rise above this and demonstrate to your children that you are one hundred percent there for them. This is the best way that you can help them through this fractious time and the months and years ahead.

The following are some ideas on how to manage this very stressful time in all of your lives and links to sites that may be useful.

1. Tell your children that they are safe. 

To be abandoned by a parent is an indescribable loss and lifelong wound. Children need to know that although the adults have chosen to separate that  the parent will always be there for them. They need to repeatedly hear  and be shown that the parents  will never abandon them no matter what happens between the adults in the situation.

2. Make sure your children know that they are not responsible

Children can often feel that they in some way are responsible for the break-up. Internally they may develop false beliefs about themselves being the cause of the separation such as ; If I was a good child this wouldn’t have happened or I should have helped Mam/Dad more when they asked me/ If I was better at hurling/football then Daddy would have been proud of me  etc. etc.

They will need to be reminded repeatedly, preferably by both parents, that they are not responsible for what has happened and that nothing that has happened changes the fact that they are loved in and for themselves and that they deserve to be supported in being happy.

A  child cannot carry their parents. They cannot fix a marriage and it is not their job to make their parents feel good about themselves.

3. Model your own resilience

Sometimes parents feel very guilty about the separation and it’s natural for parents to want to shield their children from hurt and disappointment. However parents  with healthy self-esteem and the traits associated with this, such as strong boundaries, clear expression of emotion and confidence in their ability to face challenges are the best support for children affected by separation .

If the breakup is hostile you might face resistance from your ex-partner and what is most  important  is to detach from the hurt and stay focused on who you want to be for your children. The following is very important for you;

• Look after yourself.
• Plan time for you to re-charge
• Surround yourself with supportive people
• Find a good therapist
• Use techniques from neuroscience to prime your brain for positivity and resilience
• Forgive yourself

4. Express your emotions. 

During the time of the separation children will experience a range of bewildering, fast changing and sometimes overwhelming emotions. This is a perfectly normal reaction by anyone to a major life-changing event but children, because of their limited life experience and young age, do not know this. Adults in the child’s life need to learn to be emotionally literate to help them navigate these very choppy emotional storms.  Everyone can experience together that;

• It’s OK to be sad
• It’s OK to be angry
• It’s OK to be afraid
• It’s OK to want to be with the other parent
• It’s Ok to cry
• It’s OK to want things to be back to how they were before the separation

All of the above are completely natural reactions to what has happened and children  must be allowed to express these uncomfortable feelings and emotions. This is the healthy way to manage and explore very strong reactions and they should know it is absolutely fine to feel this way. Most importantly they should be given time, space and a sense of safety to talk to someone they trust and who can accept the tsunami of expression that will come with these conversations. Show your emotions at this time too.

5. Find positive people. 

Surround your child with positive role models, male or female, who can see their potential, who can encourage them and who can demonstrate healthy behaviours and self-respect.

If you have friends or family who are negatively using your child as an emotional message carrier, if it is safe to do so, address it with them and choose a mature response to every issue or challenge.

6. Do not allow bad behaviour. 

Children can act out and behave  badly during and after  the separation. While this is a normal way to communicate how they are feeling,  they need to know that it is not acceptable. They need boundaries and a sense that while they may have very intense emotional reactions they can find safe and acceptable expressions for those emotions. Helping them to name, accept and understand how they are feeling is the first step in showing your child how to channel those feelings effectively in order to release the emotional energy held in their bodies.

Children need  strong and clear boundaries even if they resist being disciplined. Be strong and maintain belief in yourself that you are parenting them responsibly by providing solid boundaries for your child.

7.Do not criticise the other parent in front of the children. 

A young child is emotionally bound to both parents and to speak badly of one parent to a child is the same as saying that the child themselves is bad. It causes an internal conflict in the child that is confusing, hurtful and harmful. A child  who is positioned to have to choose one parent over another or have to agree with one parent’s negative view of the other is in an impossible dilemma. They will instead internalise harsh words, and believe they are in some way bad or dislikeable because they see themselves, on an emotional level, as part of each parent or, more exactly, to have part of each parent in them.

8. You are the adult in  the situation

Your child did not decide to end your relationship with their other parent but they do fear that you will also decide to end your relationship with them. The need to know that you know that parenthood is for life and that you will continue to love them and to parent them even if you are no longer in an intact relationship with their other parent. You cannot reassure them of this too much. Make a habit of telling them frequently how much you think of them and love them. They need it so much at this time.

It is a form of emotional abuse of a child to use them as a repository for your difficult emotions surrounding your decision to separate. Let your children be children and you be  the adult. Good luck as you move forward together.

Here are links that you may find useful:

https://www.rainbowsireland.ie

https://www.barnardos.ie/resources/separation

https://www.tusla.ie/uploads/content/Parents_Coping_with_Separation_d3.pdf

Fears and anxieties about germs is a fairly common anxiety for young children but at this abnormally vigilant time of the Covid-19 virus, some children can become very distressed.  It is important to remember that, in the space of a few days, the usual everyday safe world of their daily routine, school, creche , playdates, visits to Grandparents, sports, going to the shop etc. have all disappeared.  Seeing and hearing all the information about the dangers of the virus to their family and, in particular their grandparents, might be a very frightening experience for them.  Here are some general tips which can help manage the situation while we wait for this time to pass.

Accept that your child’s anxiety is a valid  reaction to the constant health information about the Covid -19  virus and the danger that it poses. By accepting your child’s inner state you will begin to relieve their anxiety by allowing them to unburden their fears. This in itself can bring calmness to the situation  when they feel that they have told you their worries and that you are there to care and support them. Here is a link to a Youtube example of mindful breathing 

• Listen to what they say about their fear or anxiety so that you are clear about what their belief actually is.   You could then say something like “ I know that you are very worried about this and that you are afraid that the virus will make us sick” ( or whatever the child’s expressed fear is).  Let them know that even though they believe that this is true, you are there to take care of them and this situation because you are the adult  in charge. Reassure them that you can handle it for them and that they can relax because you are on top of the problem.

• Name the emotion for your child eg. sad, anxious, afraid, frightened etc. so that they can begin to become aware of their emotional state. By naming their emotion your child gains insight into what is happening to them. Identify for them the part of the body that usually becomes over-flooded when we are sad, anxious or fearful ; chest feels tight, butterflies in tummy, fast heartbeat, feeling hot, headache etc. Initially it is good to give your child words to describe how they feel as this somewhat explains to them their inner experience. Letting them know that you understand  their world, keeping calm and helping regulate their physical state provides a safe comforting presence for them.  Over time you can work on reducing their reaction and help them transition to a more regulated state.

In an age appropriate way let them know that there are germs around us all the time and that they are there to help our immune system keep us safe. If you think that your child can cope, introduce the idea of good bacteria such as in kefir, bio yoghurts and the like and explain that these good germs help to keep us healthy. This video link is a very visual way to show children the effectiveness of good hygiene and how it dispels germs. Giving back a sense of control  to them in a new and strange situation is very important in order to re-establish your child’s experience of resilience and confidence.

• Monitor the words and language on the topic of the virus which are within the child’s earshot. Considerably reduce exposure to TV and internet discussion of the situation. If at all possible go outside for some vigorous running, games, cycling etc. Allowing your child to release energy in this way is a healthy antidote to stress hormones.

• Arrange for Grandparents, relatives and other important people in the child’s life to contact the family by Skype, WhatsApp, Facetime, Zoom etc. This will reassure your child that their loved ones are fine and are available to them as usual although just in a different way.

• Make this time of enforced quarantine a positive one . An effective and practical way to do this is by having daily schedule of some sort. This can be organized around getting up time, meals, bed time. In between these time markers include your children in other activities; RTE school, outdoor exercise, talking to relatives by phone/Skype, regular playtimes during the day with your child when you can find new games or activities to  take everybody’s mind off the problem. Building forts, water and sand play, painting and messy play are using your child’s natural playful approach for exploring the world. These kinesthetic activities also act as a powerful release for the inner turbulence influencing their anxious response to the current health crisis. 

As the parent you know your child best and so you will know which of the above ideas will or will not be suitable to your child, their temperament and the wider family dynamics. It is  very  important to remain accepting of their fears and worries about the virus and the harm that they envisage happening to them or a family member and in an appropriate way to help them manage this reaction.

Keep well!