The Impact of Separation on Children and How to Help Them

Sometimes parents may convince themselves that their child will be fine and that the separation doesn’t affect them and that life continues as normal – however this isn’t true. It may or may not be obvious that your child is hurting emotionally but children become confused, fearful and stressed in the event of their parents separating. Their developmental levels  and resilience may differ but research has shown that generally children find it very difficult to understand and process this event. Your child will need time and help to sort out the many emotions and thoughts attached to their perception of the separation.

It is a fact of life that marriage relationships fail and partnerships dissolve. No-one sets out with this intention but this is the reality of the situation that you and your family are now in. You are  not the first or the last of couples to face this very difficult experience and now is the time to put your children first. Despite how you both may feel about each other it is now that you will accept your adult responsibilities and prioritise your children. Even if your ex-spouse  is not interested in being a responsible parent you can rise above this and demonstrate to your children that you are one hundred percent there for them. This is the best way that you can help them through this fractious time and the months and years ahead.

The following are some ideas on how to manage this very stressful time in all of your lives and links to sites that may be useful.

1. Tell your children that they are safe. 

To be abandoned by a parent is an indescribable loss and lifelong wound. Children need to know that although the adults have chosen to separate that  the parent will always be there for them. They need to repeatedly hear  and be shown that the parents  will never abandon them no matter what happens between the adults in the situation.

2. Make sure your children know that they are not responsible

Children can often feel that they in some way are responsible for the break-up. Internally they may develop false beliefs about themselves being the cause of the separation such as ; If I was a good child this wouldn’t have happened or I should have helped Mam/Dad more when they asked me/ If I was better at hurling/football then Daddy would have been proud of me  etc. etc.

They will need to be reminded repeatedly, preferably by both parents, that they are not responsible for what has happened and that nothing that has happened changes the fact that they are loved in and for themselves and that they deserve to be supported in being happy.

A  child cannot carry their parents. They cannot fix a marriage and it is not their job to make their parents feel good about themselves.

3. Model your own resilience

Sometimes parents feel very guilty about the separation and it’s natural for parents to want to shield their children from hurt and disappointment. However parents  with healthy self-esteem and the traits associated with this, such as strong boundaries, clear expression of emotion and confidence in their ability to face challenges are the best support for children affected by separation .

If the breakup is hostile you might face resistance from your ex-partner and what is most  important  is to detach from the hurt and stay focused on who you want to be for your children. The following is very important for you;

• Look after yourself.
• Plan time for you to re-charge
• Surround yourself with supportive people
• Find a good therapist
• Use techniques from neuroscience to prime your brain for positivity and resilience
• Forgive yourself

4. Express your emotions. 

During the time of the separation children will experience a range of bewildering, fast changing and sometimes overwhelming emotions. This is a perfectly normal reaction by anyone to a major life-changing event but children, because of their limited life experience and young age, do not know this. Adults in the child’s life need to learn to be emotionally literate to help them navigate these very choppy emotional storms.  Everyone can experience together that;

• It’s OK to be sad
• It’s OK to be angry
• It’s OK to be afraid
• It’s OK to want to be with the other parent
• It’s Ok to cry
• It’s OK to want things to be back to how they were before the separation

All of the above are completely natural reactions to what has happened and children  must be allowed to express these uncomfortable feelings and emotions. This is the healthy way to manage and explore very strong reactions and they should know it is absolutely fine to feel this way. Most importantly they should be given time, space and a sense of safety to talk to someone they trust and who can accept the tsunami of expression that will come with these conversations. Show your emotions at this time too.

5. Find positive people. 

Surround your child with positive role models, male or female, who can see their potential, who can encourage them and who can demonstrate healthy behaviours and self-respect.

If you have friends or family who are negatively using your child as an emotional message carrier, if it is safe to do so, address it with them and choose a mature response to every issue or challenge.

6. Do not allow bad behaviour. 

Children can act out and behave  badly during and after  the separation. While this is a normal way to communicate how they are feeling,  they need to know that it is not acceptable. They need boundaries and a sense that while they may have very intense emotional reactions they can find safe and acceptable expressions for those emotions. Helping them to name, accept and understand how they are feeling is the first step in showing your child how to channel those feelings effectively in order to release the emotional energy held in their bodies.

Children need  strong and clear boundaries even if they resist being disciplined. Be strong and maintain belief in yourself that you are parenting them responsibly by providing solid boundaries for your child.

7.Do not criticise the other parent in front of the children. 

A young child is emotionally bound to both parents and to speak badly of one parent to a child is the same as saying that the child themselves is bad. It causes an internal conflict in the child that is confusing, hurtful and harmful. A child  who is positioned to have to choose one parent over another or have to agree with one parent’s negative view of the other is in an impossible dilemma. They will instead internalise harsh words, and believe they are in some way bad or dislikeable because they see themselves, on an emotional level, as part of each parent or, more exactly, to have part of each parent in them.

8. You are the adult in  the situation

Your child did not decide to end your relationship with their other parent but they do fear that you will also decide to end your relationship with them. The need to know that you know that parenthood is for life and that you will continue to love them and to parent them even if you are no longer in an intact relationship with their other parent. You cannot reassure them of this too much. Make a habit of telling them frequently how much you think of them and love them. They need it so much at this time.

It is a form of emotional abuse of a child to use them as a repository for your difficult emotions surrounding your decision to separate. Let your children be children and you be  the adult. Good luck as you move forward together.

Here are links that you may find useful:

https://www.rainbowsireland.ie

https://www.barnardos.ie/resources/separation

https://www.tusla.ie/uploads/content/Parents_Coping_with_Separation_d3.pdf